Denial
by ilikeanimeandmanga
Summary: Lindsay is certain that she didn't do anything wrong that night. So why is it that everything is starting to fall apart?


They called me a bitch, a monster, and a murderer in the hallway. The hateful words scribbled on my locker. The glares thrown at my way.

But it's not my fault. I didn't make Juliet run out onto the road, she did that herself. It's her fault that she and Sam are dead. Sam didn't deserve to die.

Everyone at the party are a bunch of liars. They sold us out for pouring the beer on Juliet and pushing her around. They were laughing along with us, but they didn't bother to bring that up. They even backed Juliet up by agreeing that we were bitches. Look, I'm not sorry for being honest about how I'd rather be a bitch than a freak. She started it, all I did was put her in her place. Nice to know that being honest would just earn you everyone's hate and a repuation on the news as a hateful sociopath.

I can't even fight back now, doing so just made them hate me even more. Gave them more proof that I was the monster that I really wasn't. I could do nothing but scream at the TV as they showed the posts we made online about her, classmates bringing up everything we did to Juliet. Even worse, now that we were under the stupid police investigation, everyone whispers as though they have some immunity and can be free to say whatever.

" _There she goes again, acting like nothing ever happened. What a heartless bitch."_

 _"They always treated her like crap. And pouring beer on her after she called them bitches? Definitely proved her right."_

 _"Maybe they'll go to jail. We can hope, right?"_

 _"I bet she killed her on purpose. She totally did. I mean, Lindsey Edgecombe and her friends clearly hated her, so this being an accident is total BS."_

 _"It's too bad only one of them died. They deserve to rot in Hell for all the trouble they've caused."_

 _"She clearly intended to kill her, there's no way it was an accident. Did she seriously think she could get away with the law?"_

 _"She's the one who deserves to die. Her friends would just be an added bonus."_

Even Juliet's stupid sister got in on it, bringing up how we used to be friends before I "turned bitchy" towards Juliet just to spite me, as if I haven't already had my popularity attacked. I don't even know why she would want to defend her freak sister.

I find Ally and Elody sitting at our usual table and I waved at them as I walked over. They didn't wave back.

We pretty much sat in silence, just like how it was during the ride to school. I tried to strike up conversations but it seemed like neither of them were in a mood to talk.

"So...how's your days been?" I asked.

"Horrible," Ally started. "The math homework I bothered to do for once went missing and the teacher didn't believe that it was stolen from me."

"Same here," Elody said quietly. That was all she was going to say, but the bruise on her knee suggests that something definitely happened and I wasn't around to defend her.

I scoffed a bit and rolled my eyes. "You're being treated like garbage because of what happened that night, isn't it?"

Ally and Elody looked at each other, then at me before looking down at their tray of disgusting cafeteria food. Bingo.

"Morons," I said. "They don't know what they're talking about. What right do they have to treat us like criminals?"

Normally they would start agreeing with me, and they would continue talking as if nothing serious had happened. Instead, they had a stunned look that peered right into me. This actually surprised me, and that's when Ally started to speak.

"Well, we kinda are criminals, aren't we?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Is this really happening?

"What are you saying?" I asked slowly, hoping that I was just hearing things.

"I mean, all those things we say about Juliet, the roses, and pouring beer on her. It's ummm...what's it called? Harassment. Harassment and assault. That's pretty much criminal stuff."

I shook my head in disbelief. "You too? It's bad enough that everyone's hating on us just to make themselves feel better. Psycho's parents are suing us for 'killing' her. I just don't get why everyone acts like we're the guilty ones here."

"Because we _are_ guilty, Lindsay." Ally shot back, her voicing having an 'I can't believe I have to explain this' sort of tone. "They may have participated, but we're the ones who started it. We are the main villains here. How does this not bother you?"

"Why should it bother me? You and I both know that she was whack, she was never going to survive this world. So you can't expect me to suddenly feel bad for what I've done for years now that she's gone. Look, I didn't mean to hit her with the car, but it's her fault Sam's dead and we're in this mess.

Ally and Elody were gaping at me, as if they were seeing me the first time ever. As if they couldn't believe I could say such things. I felt a tightness in my chest, but I remained firm. They had to know that I'm right, that none of this is our fault.

"Well...I feel bad." Elody said quietly after a while.

"Then you're a hypocrite, and that's just even worse." Something was telling me that I really should stop before I make things worse. But I need to reason with them, to get them to see that we're all that's left of our group. That we need to stick together since it's us against them. "I mean, you were about as mean to her as I was. Like we were, so feeling bad isn't going to change the fact that you were not nice as well."

"That didn't mean we wanted her to _die_!" Ally suddenly shouted, her hands slamming down on the table, making me and Elody nearly jump while everyone is starting to stare. "I may not have been nice to her but I never wanted to make her hate herself so much that she felt like she didn't deserve to live! Who the hell gave you the right to decide that?!"

"Ally, I-"

"No, don't even! For years I've been following your every lead, and I never stopped to think why other than the fact that we were friends and we look out for each other! I can't even think of a reason for why I don't like Juliet. I don't think I even know _anything_ about her! So why do _you_ hate her so much?!"

My heart was pounding in my chest, I felt my breath shortening. I wanted to say something, but the anger was suffocating.

"Is this something to do with you and Juliet being friends?"

Oh, why did she have to bring that up?

"What, are you gonna believe Psycho's sister now?"

"Well, you seem to have it out for Juliet all the time, so it has to be true, is it?"

"And so what if it is or isn't true? That's not important."

"Umm, hello? Yes, it is! That would've been nice to know! We're your friend, do you, like, not trust us or anything?"

That acccusation felt like a slap to my face that'll leave a huge, ugly bruise on my cheek for weeks. Did I trust them? Of course I did! They're my friends, they mean the whole world to me. And now that Sam's gone, I needed them more than over.

And as much as I would love to tell them about my history with Juliet, I just can't. They don't need to know that I didn't really hate Juliet, just...uneasy is all. But what's past is in the past; what mattered now is that I not fail them like how I failed Juilet and that was to make them strong like I am.

I just wish they would get that.

"Ally, listen. Yes, I used to be friends with Juliet, but we were different so we just drifted apart. It's all in the past so just drop it, okay? Look, I know everything sucks now but we'll get through this, I promise." It wasn't a total lie, but they don't need to know about the bed wetting when I was younger. For now, I just needed Ally to calm down.

Ally wasn't yelling anymore, but that angry look didn't leave so much as thought it simply somewhat cooled to a look of annoyance and resignation.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever," was all she said before she picked up the tray of food she was never going to eat, dumped it in the neartest trash can and stormed out of the cafeteria. Elody looked at where Ally left, then back at me, and back at the doors until she slowly got up from the table.

"Elody, you're not seriously going to leave me here, are you?"

Her eyes widened a bit before she started stammering.

"I...ummm...I just...I'm sorry."

She quickly dumped her food and walked out as quickly as possible, leaving me to face the judgemental stares and whispers thrown at my way.

* * *

Ally and Elody were nowhere to be seen at the school parking lot, so I decided to be generous and wait for them a little longer. But after like ten minutes I gave up and drove out of the school. It's rude to just leave people hanging, you know? Besides, maybe this'll get them to think about what they've done.

When I got home, I immediately went into my room. I didn't care about my stepdad, but I didn't want to face my mom. I didn't want to see that look she had on her face ever since that Friday night, directed at me. She didn't have to say anything for me to know what she was thinking.

 _What happened to you?_

Now she cared? What about days, months, years ago where she could've asked me how school was, if I needed something, or if anything exciting happened? Yeah, I might have brushed her off but it still wouldn't have hurt if she had asked. I might have trusted her more if she'd actually been a mom to me.

But now? I can't stand to see that look on her face, looking at me like I'm some bad guy. How the hell am I suppose to tell her what went on all those years when she hadn't paid me much attention before?

Lying on my bed, I decided to check up on Ally and Elody to see if they were still stranded at school. I may not be nice but I'm not that cruel towards my friends. It's not like I wouldn't go back to pick them up.

I started with Ally. After three rings, she picked up. Before I could say anything, she got to the point.

"You're wondering if I'm still waiting for you back at school, aren't you?"

"Well...yeah."

"Don't bother, then. My mom came to pick me up. Elody got herself a ride, too."

"And you didn't tell me? What the hell, Ally? Keeping things from me is not cool."

"Sorry," she says, though she clearly wasn't. "But it's not as if you didn't keep things from us, either."

"Are you still mad about that? Look, I'm sorry you had to find out about me and Juliet like this, but it's not a big deal-"

"Lindsay, listen." Ally took a deep breath before continuing. "My parents don't want me hanging out with you anymore."

"Wait...what?!"

"After that night, they decided that you guys are really bad influences on me and really don't want me to be seen as some delinquent. So from now on, my mom is driving me to and from school. They're also going to talk to the school to adjust my schedule so that we don't have the same classes."

"I can't believe this! And you're letting them do this to you?!"

"Well, yeah! They're my parents! They have authority over my life until I head off for college." Ally then muttered. "Of course, I probably fucked up my chances in getting into culinary school thanks to that weekend."

"Great, just great!" I shouted. "Another thing in our lives ruined thanks to Psycho-"

"Oh, would you just stop calling her that?!" Ally snapped. "Juliet's _dead._ There's no way she could have done this! She didn't do anything than run out on the road! She probably wouldn't haven't done it if we didn't treat her like crap!"

 _"_ Sam's dead because of her!"

"Which wouldn't have happened if we didn't make her think she was worthless! Honestly, Lindsay, could you _be_ any more heartless?"

I nearly felt my jaw drop from the accusation she was making towards me. "Heartless? I've never been cruel to you girls!"

"Oh really, Lindsay?" Ally challenged me. My god, she really wasn't going to back down. "What about those times when you 'subtly' called Elody a slut, huh? How about those times when you had to comment on my weight whenver I eat something, anything, 'that has, like, lots of calories?' You even told me that wanting to have a career in culinary arts is so stupid since it means turning myself into a fatty from sampling the foods I'd be making!"

I was dumbfounded, that stuff actually bothered her? I never said any of it to be mean, I was just joking! She never said anything and actually laughed at some of the jokes! That much I admit to her.

"It mattered a whole lot to me! I may have laughed, but they really hurt! I didn't want you to think of me as some uptight, frigid bitch. Yes, I have issues with eating but being a professional chef meant the whole world to me! You don't understand what it's like having to watch what you eat and not worry about gaining extra weight!"

"Of course I do!" I cried out desperately, to my surprise. "You're one of my best friends! I would have stopped if I knew you hated that! You know that I wouldn't ever want to hurt you girls, right?"

There was a long silence at the other end of the line, which almost made me think that she hung up. I considered ending the call when she finally spoke.

"Juliet was your best friend before us and look where you both ended up. How can I possibly trust that you won't turn against me?"

"Ally..."

"I've already lost the trust and respect of my parents, and frankly I deserve it. We were terrible, broke the rules and acted cruel to pretty much everyone that wasn't us, thought about no but ourselves. Even now, you seem to care more about how Juliet's death ruined your life than the fact that Sam, one of our best friends, is dead, and it's because we indirectly caused both of them. I don't want to disappoint my parents any more than I already have. Sorry, Lindsay, but I agree with them. It was fun while it lasted, but our friendship is something I could, could've, lived without."

It was too much for me. I was ready to end the call and hang up when Ally had one more thing to say.

"And for the record, I may be a hypocrite but at least it means that I'm not totally heartless, that I'm capable of caring about the 'losers' that we're quick to judge. I'm going to change myself and not be a bitch anymore. Maybe you should learn to do the same."

And then she hung up. Hmph. Ally could do whatever she want, maybe Elody would be more reasonable. She was always more eager to agree with me.

So I called Elody next. She, too, had gotten a ride. From her "boyfriend." But she had the decency to apologize and explain that she forgot to tell me. To my disappointment, however, her own parents were also making it clear that they don't want her to interact with us, or more specifically, me.

"Can't you try and reason with them? They're making a huge deal out of this!"

"Lindsay, my dad is already dealing with trying to get my mom to break her drinking habit on top of...all this. I can't cause any more problems than I already have. Just be thankful my parents haven't thought about pulling me out of school to send me somewhere else."

"But you didn't do anything wrong, Elody. They're just overreacting."

"Pushing Juliet around, pouring beer on her, and calling her 'Psycho' and 'ghost' is not nothing, Lindsay."

"Whatever. Still doesn't change the fact that she ran out on the road like that. I mean, what sane person does that?"

I thought for sure that Elody would agree with me, she always did. But now, she didn't. It felt strange.

"How can you say that? We were so mean to her, made her believe she meant nothing, made her want to _die_. We made her family lose her."

"And they're the reason she's messed up. Come on, Elody, you know I'm right. That she is better off this way."

"That's just cruel, Lindsay! She was your friend and that's all you have to say?"

"I'm just speaking the truth. I tried to help her, make her strong, but she was too weak for that. You guys were different. Minus the fact that you're too friendly with the guys and that your mom cares more about the alcohol than being a mom, you're doing fine thanks to me. You can't be a freakin' doormat now, Elody."

Harsh, but it was pretty much the same stuff I always said, nothing too painful. But whatever it was, Elody didn't feel the same way as she started to mumble something. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm praying that it wasn't what I

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I said I guess Juliet is right about us!" She shrieked. Her voice cracking as if she were crying. "We are bunch of bitches, but especially you, Lindsay! You're the absolute worst of us all!"

And just like that she hung up. I stared at my phone, shocked by her outburst; I never expected that from her. But that started to change as my face started to grow hot, whatever it was I felt bubbling within was so overwhelming that I can't see or think straight, it was suffocating.

"Well, screw you!" I shouted, throwing my phone at the wall as hard as I could, not caring that that the screen shattered to the point the point that you can hardly see anything. My vision blurred from the hot tears running down my face.

They've abandoned me. My best friends, the ones I had left and whom I needed the most, have betrayed me. I have nobody now.

But, you know what? Fine, who needs them, anyway? They were weak, just like Juliet. Once again, I failed to make them strong, I probably shouldn't have bothered.

I understand it, now. I don't need anybody. People are unreliable. I can survive this world on my own. I will trust and rely on noe one but myself. I will not let Sam or Juliet's death hold me back.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much.


End file.
